Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human anatomy.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

Love, when spelled backwards and read phonetically, reads evil

Grace sat down where the chair wasn't.

Persistence is a writer's best friend disguised as a bully.

There is no man on earth who can give a final judgment on what the most beautiful shape may be. Only God knows.

We are here to work side-by-side with this "black" man in trying to bring liberation to all our people!

I had to stop going to auditions thinking, 'Oh, I hope they like me.' I had to go in thinking I was the answer to their problem.

I have an old soul. I don't know any real-life lingo, so I have to take it from movies.

If you can do more, you should.

I started writing songs at age 15.

Do those clowns really believe what they teach?