Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

No book ever takes the place of the Bible. It is its own best commentary.

Warner Studios official in the era of silent movies: Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?

If you already have a person's love no sacrifice can be too much to give for it

I need a lot of black on my eyes and a little shot of vodka to be brave, because you're beautiful when you relax.

A person is a person through other persons; you can't be human in isolation; you are human only in relationships.

There are wounds of self-love which one does not confess to one's dearest friends.

As a nation - and as a world - we need more truth.

Always bet on yourself, no matter what the odds are. It means more to be in the race than watching the victory lap from the stands.

All the professors in all the religious colleges in this country rolled into one, would not equal Charles Darwin.

In a way I feel I have been vindicated because I hadn't done anything wrong. The Review Committee gave me a patient hearing and I put my point of view across to them.