Sometimes I like to go outside without even checking the weather first.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

As he read, I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.

You'd be surprised how easy some things can be, things you never thought you'd do, when you take self-respect out of the equation.

When You Are In The Light, Everything Follows You, But When You Enter Into The Dark, Even Your Own Shadow Doesn't Follow You.

Rock concerts are the churches of today.

'Insane Farting Corpse' is a really hard movie to do a Q&A for. The audience is still kind of reeling and being like, "I don't know what to ask."

Some deny the existence of misery by pointing to the sun; he denies the existence of the sun by pointing to misery.

Thou shalt not steal, except by majority vote.

Sorrow is Mount Sinai. If one will, one may go up and talk with God, face to face.

When a people, having become free, establish wise laws, their revolution is complete.

The truth is a precious commodity. That's why I use it so sparingly.