Sometimes I wish I had a terrible childhood, so that at least I'd have an excuse.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

There are days where I turn on the TV or I look at the news and I'm like, "I want to go to Mars. This is insane." But I can't go to Mars! I need to face reality and just to have some hope.

He who will lose a present good for one in expectation hath some wit, but a small store of wisdom.

That's what I stand for, telling people you can be just who you are. It's actually more beautiful.

Melancholy redeems this universe, and yet it is melancholy that separates us from it.

Armies are created to protect an established system, not people. In the future, an educated humanity will not stand for war.

A maxim in law has more weight in the world than an article of faith.

Once you begin to understand and truly master your thoughts and feelings, that's when you see how you create your own reality.

Death, thou art infinite; it is life is little.

If you think that the brass is not blowing loud enough, mute it by a couple of degrees.

They want us to give up another chunk of our tribal land. This is not the first time or the last time.