Sometimes heckling can almost help a set, because it ratchets up the tension in the room... can even bring things to a climax.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Never forget that once upon a time, in an unguarded moment, you recognized yourself as a friend.

Social media is not about the exploitation of technology but service to community.

It's the opposite of that. Engineers in lab coats have created a musical experience that is so crisp and clean, it can literally improve your hearing.

You have to come to the world of enlightenment with open hands, not clinched fists, without an agenda.

Prepare for the unknown, unexpected and inconceivable . . . after 50 years of flying I'm still learning every time I fly.

I toured Ontario in the winter of '48, in a touring company of The Drunkard, in which I played the bartender.

I can eat fifty eggs.

After we graduate tonight, we no longer have to let society happen to us. We get to create our own.

As an alcoholic, you will violate your standards quicker than you can lower them.

I was very much of a tomboy.