Sometimes when Im nervous, thats when the most interesting things happen.

Do you guys think its worse to wear a fedora or kill 15 people?

If you text 'I love you' and the person writes back an emoji - no matter what that emoji is, they don't love you back.

I would say that I have a love-hate relationship with almost everything in my life, including stand-up.

Why are old maps always burnt?

I feel like women are frequently seen as guests in the comedy world.

My parents divorced when I was one year old so I don't really remember any of the details, but luckily my mom does so she's been really helpful.

I only do private room karaoke where its just me and one of my closest girlfriends. My mom always said I could really belt songs out, and the Dixie Chicks feed that encouragement.

Im Jewish and Italian, and I lucked out and got the nose of both cultures.

On tour, its either call ex-boyfriends or tweet a lot. Youre just looking for any proof that youre not completely alone.

The brain says “it is impossible” and the legs respond “let’s sit down”. The brain says “it is possible” and the legs respond “let’s go to work”. Don’t blame the legs, blame the head.

Honour is manly decency. The shame of being found wanting in it means everything to us. Is this, then, the indefinable, the sacred thing?

I don't need to apologize for my behavior you need to apologize for not understanding.

We walk into a bar, and you're aware of all the eyes on you. We walk into a bar, and I'm aware of all the eyes on you, too. For you, this translate into confidence. But me? All I can feel is doubt.

The bitter pinecone may be eaten, The mist on high give nourishment. The whole world takes to go-and-getting; My way alone is difficult.

Since the time of Homer every European, in what he could say about the Orient, was a racist, an imperialist, and almost totally ethnocentric.

We are fooles one to another.

Nothing. I was confused for two years. I didn't understand anything and I'm still confused.

When anybody tells you something about writing, somebody will tell you something completely different and they will also be right

I write all the time but often abandon things I don't think will go anywhere. It's rare that I'll labor over writing something that doesn't feel like it will turn into a keeper.