Sometimes, when you get a girl pregnant, you blame the condom. His condom broke that night.

I thought 'Pineapple Express' was hilarious.

Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can't they make a phone out of Tupperware?

When you're babysitting a kid, all you're seeing is a version of them, a small dosage.

I am the comedy version of ambidextrous. I'm working with my left and right hand. I'm the two-sided coin. I'm all of those metaphors you can think of. I'm the interracial couple. I'm BET and CBS.

You're trying to make someone wet their pants and you're trying to make somebody crap in their pants. That's the motivation of a comic. Who else has that power?

All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.

You know how you put peanut butter on a piece of bread and the bread falls - it never falls on the bread side down, it always falls peanut butter side down. That's because of gravity.

You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible, that you wished the chicken would show up at your house and show your lady how to cook him?

Man, you can come see me six or seven times in a row and you'll never see the same show twice, because I don't like to be robotic onstage. I like to perform for that particular audience.

This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache.

In all things, may the victory come to us while the glory goes to God. We can't handle the glory... It only brings pride to us! We can handle the victory... It brings a joyful life!

He who cherishes the value of cultures cannot fail to be a pacifist.

Even I don't know what I'm saying most of the time.

The advertising man who spares the midnight oil will never get very far.

Anything becomes interesting if you look at it long enough.

Science can give us knowledge, but it cannot give us wisdom. Nor can religion, until it puts aside nonsense and distraction and becomes itself again.

I write characters and stories that move me, and I write from the heart.

Get together a hundred or two men, however sensible they may be, and you are very likely to have a mob.

I've shared the fate of many working mothers; I felt guilty like them.

If you slip, it doesn't mean you're less valuable. It simply means that you have something to learn from slipping.