Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person's life, stay out of it.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

When I'm writing I don't want anyone else in the room - including myself.

A man thinking or working will always be alone, let him be where he will.

I'm always struck with writing - I constantly feel like I don't know what I'm doing and I'm starting over.

Our challenge is not to educate the children we used to have or want to have, but to educate the children who come to the schoolhouse door.

I don't think a coach becomes the right coach until he wins a championship.

I think in most jobs, you get better as you get older. You gain experience, you gain knowledge.

The impact of NCDs is not only affecting the urban populations but also rural poor. This is compounding the basic problem of poverty.

It is a stupid presumption to go about despising and condemning as false anything that seems to us improbable; this is a common fault in those who think they have more intelligence than the crowd.

It is wonderful when a calculation is made, how little the mind is actually employed in the discharge of any profession.

Our colleges ought to have lit up in us a lasting relish for a better kind of man, a loss of appetite for mediocrities.