Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

At what point does "one day" become today?

I'm not fighting for myself anymore.... It makes a difference.

No matter what happens to us, I will ensure that she will never forget this moment in her life. That she will think of this day, this evening, this moment...

Life is too precious to worry about what could or will happen. Life is..what you make it

I just want to get the most money I can.

What I want all of you to know is that we are going to bring those who killed our fellow Americans to justice.

The decisive moment in the defeat of upper class, capital-S, Society may have come when, in newspapers all over the nation, what used to be call the Society page was replaced by the Style section.

There've been a lot more people hurt on astro-turf than grass.

Bill Maher does something amazing in Religulous. He makes Michael Moore look incredibly likable in comparison.

At an early age Jesse often said he wanted to be a soldier, and before long he was one. He was there with his military brotherhood, fighting terrorism there so we wouldn't have to fight it here.