Sorry - Americans only buy things that come from suffering. They just enjoy it more when they know someone's getting hurt.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

I’d tell you what happened, but I can’t remember all of it. And I don't wanna put words in my dreams thoughts.

Men spend their whole lives showing that they're strong and silent. They fight for independence the way women struggle to connect.

V-J Day, or Victory in Japan Day, marks the date of the Japanese surrender that ended fighting in the Pacific.

While they flail about, you will remain calm in the knowledge that you possess strength from within.

I haven’t had Botox because my face is a bit lopsided and I depend on keeping everything animated so that people don’t notice.

It takes more than clicking like for a good cause to change the world.

The ability to delegate begins with believing in the potential of people.

He is the creator, and sustainer and Lord of all things and He is worthy of your honor and obedience.

Do we always, always to the point of misery, do a thing?

The bloom of Monticello is chilled by my solitude.