South Park called...they want their everything back.

My parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles were all funny, and I felt that energy, that delivery, that timing, that sarcasm. All that stuff seeped into my brain.

Life is short. You have to be able to laugh at our pain or we never move on.

Do you want me to apologize after every joke? If it doesn't offend somebody it's probably not a joke. It's probably an observation that's not funny. It's gotta offend somebody somewhere.

I've actually tried to roast somebody that I don't like, and it doesn't go well. Either they're a bad sport or I'm not as funny as I could be.

When I see a good singer, I get teary-eyed. Part of it is jealousy because all comedians are frustrated rock stars. That's a fact.

How is it possible that Courtney Love looks worse than Kurt Cobain?

I've always liked cops, as much as you can like a group of people, you know? Sure, I've been hassled, but I'm a white dude - privileged.

Instead of running for President, why don’t you try walking on a treadmill?

My life and my career have been a series of happy and not so happy accidents.

It really bothers me when some people say that all cops are racist. Of course that's not true. Most of you are just [expletive] to everybody.

Entrepreneurship is a scary city! NO water- dig wells, NO food- plant trees, NO family- build one, NO identity- prove yourself.

One should always play fairly when one has the winning cards.

Success is not a function of the size of your title but the richness of your contribution.

Vote early and vote often.

The goal of teaching is learning, not teaching.

Death in itself is nothing; but we fear to be we know not what, we know not where.

Ah, but art and trouble go hand in hand. If you cannot be troubled to create art from your heart, then your art will never trouble the heart of others.

As well the soldier dieth who standeth still as he that gives the bravest onset.

It’s easy to want peace and love in hypothetical situations—then reality sets in, and sometimes we have to do what’s ugly.

It's always been great to be onstage. It's really effortless up there. It's not a lot of work.