Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

This is the day that can change everything for you.

Man is a thought-adventurer.

The motion of the mind is conveyed along a cloud of meaning.~ There is this paradox that we get to meaning only when we strip the meaning from symbols.

Any time I get to go home is a joyous occasion.

One of the most insidious and nefarious properties of scientific models is their tendency to take over, and sometimes supplant, reality.

No one is more conventional than a woman who is falling out of love.

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.

There is more evil in the least sin than in the greatest affliction.

It is wholly wrong to blame Marx for what was done in his name, as it is to blame Jesus for what was done in his

It is more important for you to be safe than right, for the time being. Understand? (...) But please, when you see an opportunity...ruin them