Stand-up comedy is an art form and it dies unless you expand it.

I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.

I called a detox center - just to see how much it would cost: $13,000 for three weeks! My friends, if you can come up with thirteen grand, you don't have a problem yet.

There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out.

Obviously I'm not a role model for impressionable youth.

Every generation has someone who steps outside the norm and offers a voice for the unspeakable attitudes of that time. I represent everything that's supposed to be wrong, everything that's forbidden.

It occurred to me that there wouldn't be world hunger, if you people would MOVE WHERE THE FOOD IS!!!

Real comedy doesn't just make people laugh and think, but makes them laugh and change.

If I get married again, I want a guy there with a drum to do rimshots during the vows.

Lick the alphabet. It makes you appear creative, it's an easy diagram to remember, it's like "aaaaa.... beeeee.... ceeee.

Folks, I've been straight for seventeen days... Not all in a row.

We keep moving. And as we do, the things around us, well, they disappear.

Originality, not Intelligence, is the sign of a brilliant Author. All the Education in the world won't help someone who can't think for themselves.

Everything is red, freakin pink, and all heartsy. Everywhere! It’s driving me insane!

If you burn away my bones, my love for him would remain, tattooed in the air.

A Twitter update is simple and fast and gets the information and news, and it spreads it very quickly, and it can contain links so you can then link to this whole context of information.

Every kid's dream is to play in the Champions League and to win it. To actually have achieved that was an amazing feeling.

Everything, even herself, was now unbearable to her. She wished that, taking wing like a bird, she could fly somewhere, far away to regions of purity, and there grow young again.

Black art has always existed. It just hasn't been looked for in the right places.

Very rare, the intelligence of the heart. The intelligence of the whimsical brain is less rare, less attaching, sometimes tedious.

Intolerance of ambiguity is the mark of an authoritarian personality.