Stand-up comedy is like the lowest medium in all of show business in levels of respect.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Right now, my job is that I'm like an ambulance chaser. I've got to look for movies with white guys falling out of them.

Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.

So, to say Barack Obama is progress is saying that he's the first black person that is qualified to be president. That's not black progress. That's white progress.

Wealth is not about having a lot of money; it's about having a lot of options.

The advantage that my children have is that my children are encountering the nicest white people that America has ever produced. Let’s hope America keeps producing nicer white people.

I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.

Most people don't realize this, but you can eat organic, all natural, gluten-free food without telling everyone around you.

Smart is knowing if you're dumb. Knowing when to shut up and to listen to people that are smarter than you.

You know the world is messed up when the tallest man in the NBA is Chinese, the best golfer is black, and the best rapper is white.

The truth hurt more than lies.

I'm very impatient. I am. That's the bane of my game. I don't think about what I'm going to do - I just go hit it, I don't stop to wait and think. Costs me two shots a round.

I don't lie," I lied.

Whoever can surprise well must conquer.

The German national character is a favorite subject of character experts, probably because the less mature a nation, the more she is an object of criticism and not of history.

We need to break free from the habits of mind and behavior, to discover the possibilities of who we can become.

Do not allow negative experiences to make you bitter. They should make you wiser, and with that wisdom you shall find joy.

It's very rare that someone gets the death penalty for charges of conspiracy, for his influence, for his Svengali-Rasputin act.

This is the fantasy of every woman - to hold at our feet servile and tame slaves, like in Roman times. And the worse we treat them, the more passionate they become.

With Submarine, when I came out of school, people were so lovely and supportive. And you don't get that experience very often. It felt like a family on-set. So Submarine changed so much for me.