Stand-up for me is just my opinions on things, so it wouldnt be as fun translated into a sketch. Nor would a sketch be as fun if it were me standing there saying it.

The more you do stuff, the better you get at dealing with how you still fail at it a lot of the time.

Ill book a ticket on some garbage airline. I dont wanna name an actual airline so lets make one up, lets just call it like Delta Airlines

I was always the squarest person in the cool room, and alternatively, sometimes the weirder person at the mainstream table.

Why do people shush animals? Theyve never spoken

I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.

I'm a very lucky person. I'm an idiot, and I've shoveled through life rather nicely so far, so I don't feel like I deserve good treatment.

If you’re comparing the badness of two words and you won’t even say one of them [the n-word], that’s the worse word.

All my money is in a savings account. My dad has explained the stock market to me maybe 75 times. I still don't understand it.

I plan to join the 'SNL' band as a maraca player and stand behind saxophonist Lenny Pickett. That way they will at least cut to me before commercial breaks. I'll be sure to look right into camera.

I like when things are crazy. Something good comes out of exhaustion.

If you guys wanted to blend in, you shouldn't have send Dimples here. The way some of the women are staring at him, I might end up having to protect him instead. -Relentless

I don't know what humor is.

The best CEOs I know are teachers, and at the core of what they teach is strategy.

Life is a series of problems to figure out how to solve gracefully and with dignity. That is what life is and I can't see it any other way.

I actually have a little routine I do before every shoot. I put a face mask on before bed and make sure I go to sleep early. Then, I get up early and make myself breakfast and get in a workout.

I don't know anyone who enjoys going to the hospital. To help remedy this, I got an idea to create what a Laugh Room in the pediatric ward of hospitals.

This is college?' Schyler asked. 'or Downton Abbey?

The youth of France do not want a new neo-liberal contract.

AT&T to wed T-Mobile. Following the ceremony there will be no reception.

No one can understand my Mystery. The best you can do is to get immersed in it. It is no use your arguing about pros and cons; dive and know the depth; eat and know the taste.