Stand-up has the best writers, because it's the hardest writing by a million miles.

They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.

I don't know the difference between a hippie and a hipster but, it's fun to watch either one of them get beat up.

Yeah man, they call gambling a disease, but it's the only disease where you can win a bunch of money.

Note to self: no matter how bad life gets, there's always beer.

When I hear a guy lost a battle to cancer, that really did bother me, that that's a term. It implies that he failed and that somebody else that defeated cancer is heroic and courageous.

I'm thankful for women. I think women are more intelligent than men. Also, without women, there would be no cookies.

You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.

You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.

The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.

I always told everybody the perfect joke would be where the setup and punch line were identical.

People Always Confuse Between To become What..? or To Become Whose...?

Victor Cruz just got his deal with Givenchy - amazing. I was so excited for him. That was amazing. So I think there are great opportunities for a lot of athletes out there.

Be consistent and live what you believe

A good dog is one of the best things of all to be.

I had done chorus before in school, but I was only trying for an easy A. I was a bass going 'dum dum da doo wop.

The fruits of one’s sweat and mental labour are always rewarding

I had the pleasure of listening to Rickie Lee Jones' Flying Cowboys album on audio cassette, which had just come out at that time because I am an elderly man.

Learn from your rejections and polish your craft. Write for the sheer joy of being creative.

We like to read about rich people in the newspapers; the papers know it, and they do their best to keep this appetite liberally fed.

As far as ethnicity, you grow up being sensitive to things around you and then become more proactive about it.