Stand-up is a very scary, very solitary profession, but you have to experience it to figure out if it's right for you.

LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.

Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.

You know you drank too much the night before when you wake up with crop circles in your pubes.

Big deal... the only cats that don't have three legs are the ones with two through zero legs.

A message to parents who think legalizing weed will make their kids want to try it: they will anyway.

The genius' behind the new Rocky movie decided to call it Rocky Balboa so that we'll probably forget that it's number six. Or Rocky Balboa can't count past five.

In Seattle, they have a saying: 'If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'

I just broke up with my girlfriend because I caught her lying. Under another man.

The great thing about being up early on a Sunday is nothing.

We don't want any pot-smoking vaginas because that's disgusting. And I saw it once in Indonesia, and I've never been able to get it out of my head.

Education leans on teaching teaching cannot be without the teacher!

She found it curious and frightening that she could deeply dislike someone she didn’t even know. It wasn’t her. At least, it wasn’t how she used to be.

Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on a hill cannot be hid.

Men must be governed by God or they will be ruled by tyrants.

At least the Pilgrim Fathers used to shoot Indians: the Pilgrim Children merely punch time clocks.

What seems nasty, painful, evil can become a source of beauty, joy, and strength, if faced with an open mind.

Only a fool or a fraud talks tough or romantically about war.

And he did see--that life was rotten, that there were no heroes, really, and that you couldn't trust anybody, not even yourself.

If we say a little it is easy to add, but having said too much it is hard to withdraw and never can it be done so quickly as to hinder the harm of our success.

I always expect the worst from this evil and wicked world and am often pleasantly surprised when the worst does not come to pass, but never or rarely surprised or upset when it does.