Stand-up is probably the most solo performance in art.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

We're going' Anne said firmly. So soon?' Percy pleaded. 'But stars come out at night.'Then they fade at dawn', Anne replied. 'This star needs to veil herself in darkness.

You can attain your highest potential.

Above everything else I've done, I've always said I've had more guts than I've got talent.

The only artists for whom I would make way are - children. For me the paintings of children belong side by side with the works of the masters.

I think I was once given cocaine but I sneezed so it didn't go up my nose. In fact, it may have been icing sugar.

The only question with wealth is, what do you do with it?

True fulfillment in life doesnt come from what we get, it comes from what we give

Your self-image should not come from the job you do but from how well you do your job.

If you've seen Mary Poppins and The Grinch, come to the Booth Theater and let me shove a little coal down your stocking.