Stand up is really fun because if I think of a joke or a funny idea, then I can just go and tell some people and if they laugh, they laugh right away.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

Invest in yourself. your career is the engine of your wealth.

At some point, you gotta let go, and sit still, and allow contentment to come to you.

Don't give up on your dreams, or your dreams will give up on you.

The tradition of always looking for the answer in the most fundamental way available - that is a great tradition, and it saves a lot of time in this world.

Money never made a fool of anybody; it only shows them up.

The fruit of keeping covenants is the companionship of the Holy Ghost and an increase in the power to love.

I see fans all the time. They're always very complimentary and they're always very eager to talk and to share their experiences or get a selfie. They're really, really loyal. And intense.

One of the things that authoritarians hate is the sound of laughter.

One effect of sustained conflict is to narrow our vision of what is possible.

If you want to be a visionary, go out and have some accidents!