Stand-up is really personal. It's not like somebody else is writing the script and you have to do what they write.

Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other to distract us while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets.

My sense of humor is a turkey, and I pull it out of the oven and baste it in reality.

And when I was angry, when I was younger, I was in a cocoon. Now I'm a beautiful, black butterfly.

Bad news travels at the speed of light; good news travels like molasses.

I have snakes, three sharks, moray eels, piranhas, five scorpions and a bird spider. All of them are predators. They are dangerous but it's cool to have strong and powerful pets.

I see knowledge of self. I know who I am. When I look in the mirror, I see me.

Don't follow in my footsteps. Be original, and create your own path. Be a trailblazer! Do you! Be better than me. Do you! Be happy and have joy in your life.

I love my mother. My mother made sure, her stubbornness - she made sure we was going to eat. She made sure we had Christmases. That was my mother. My father wasn't there for that.

My father said: "If you want to catch your girl cheating, you knock on the front door and run to the back, because he's coming out the back."

I love this cornbread so much, I wanna take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant.

Enlightenment is making friendship with the whole existence.

There is no limit to what you can do.

And to fight this beast of wrong is what I intend to do. To do otherwise is to sidestp this rabid injustice.

Ineluctably, the insults inflicted in one war call forth new wars of retaliation, which may be waged within months of the original conflict or generations later.

Providing tax relief and reducing regulations leads to job creation and new economic opportunities for our small businesses, which are the backbone of our economy.

Life is like a box of cookies.

If I had been trying to take the job away from him in a sneaky, underhand manner, then I deserved all I got. But it was the other way around. I was trying to get him the job.

Marketing management is now tribal leadership.

I would love for film to go back to those days where you had to be able to do everything just to get by.

Every institution not only carries within it the seeds of its own dissolution, but prepares the way for its most hated rival.