Stand-up used to be much more of a form combat. Heckling was much more common [in the '90s]. And I couldn't get stage time, and so I would go out to Pip's in Sheepshead Bay.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

Do not allow yourself to be blinded by fear and anger. Everything is only as it is.

I am not afraid of the pen or the scaffold or the sword. I will tell the truth whenever I please.

Oh my Father if it be possible let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will but as thou wilt.

The act of evil breeds others to follow, young sins in its own likeness.

You can't get to wonderful without passing through alright.

One of the great mind destroyers of college education is the belief that if it's very complex, it's very profound.

You can't get work without working.

Life, lift the full goblet--away with all sorrow-- The circle of friendship what freedom would sever? To-day is our own, and a fig for to-morrow-- Here's to the Fourth and our country forever.

Civil disobedience is the inherent right of a citizen.

Divorce: fission after fusion.