Stand-up was interesting to me at the beginning, because I was trying to parody it. My early stand-up was really Andy Kaufman-esque, and then I became the very thing I was making fun of.

I lost my job, well I didn't lose it, I know where it is, there's just some other guy doing it now.

Go on, try weasel, try squirrel; it tastes like chicken, it tastes just like chicken! If it tastes just like chicken, why don't you gimme some damn chicken?

Animals may be our friends, but they won't pick you up at the airport.

Quit everything until you find something that you just cannot quit.

America’s one of the finest countries anyone ever stole.

Well, I'm an uncle now ... don't know if I'm a good one. My nephew asked me the difference between a hamster and a gerbil and I told him I thought there was more dark meat on a gerbil.

What's the difference between a Dice Clay concert and a Klan rally? Nothing. Trick question.

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.

When I was a baby I had no teeth. I couldn't get a job and I couldn't eat meat.

I retired from acting the same time they stopped hiring me. But following my own thing of making these small indie movies has been the happiest I've ever been.

If its clear that you are doing right thing, just go ahead. But answer yourself first before doing something.

Live brightly.

He liked lonely places, because he never really felt alone.

I have this dream that secretly all teenage girls feel exactly like me. And maybe one day, when we all realize that we all feel the same, we can all stop pretending to be something we're not.

I believe that all important matters have to be settled here, not in the clouds somewhere after we kick off.

In the class that I teach at one University, I stress that my one-word definition of politics is money. You can't name a subject matter that money doesn't touch.

People have been writing premature obituaries on the women's movement since its beginning.

My own idea of a $5,500 .45 auto is a used Volkswagon with a Glock 30 in the glove box.

I'm a great believer in luck and the extraordinary role that plays in all of our lives.

The greatest king of Israel, King David, the author of the Psalms, sent a man out to die in battle so that he could sleep with his wife.