Stand-up will always come first. I've been doing it for 22 years, and nothing compares to that connection you have with the audience. It's euphoric.

I always like to find those little mom-and-pop sandwich places, or diners. Those are my favorite kind of places.

I like those older theaters - the acoustics are perfect, I mean, you just have that feel of there's been a thousand shows in there and now you get to be one.

I chewed up a lot of Florida highway when I was starting out. Used to come to Tampa two or three times a year for about 10 years straight.

As a comic, I've heard gunshots while I'm trying to get to sleep. I've performed where people wanted to do you harm after the show because of something you said.

Sometimes WRONG is worth the FUNNY!

I mean, yeah, I want to lose some weight! I'm doing the best I can.

I'm from Minnesota! I used to work Knuckleheads at the Mall of America as a stand-up. I spent New Year's there once. I'm not trying to namedrop.

Heaven means to be one with God.

My vision of what God can do is nothing more than a fleeting glance of the backside of the ‘possible, ’ while God is inviting me to the forefront of the ‘impossible.

The memories that really matter don't live in the mind.

God forgives those who invent what they need.

Speech may be barren but it is ridiculous to suppose that silence is always brooding on a nestful of eggs.

You know, one wonderful thing that came out of my Enquirer experience is that, in my case, it was ruled tabloids are magazines. Which means they didn't have the protection that a newspaper has.

A fair request should be followed by the deed in silence.

Sometimes, it's easier to tell a stranger something very personal. It's like there's less risk, opening yourself up to someone who doesn't know you.

I know this'll sound obnoxious, but acting was very much an accident for me. I didn't have, like, posters of Marlon Brando in my bedroom when I was growing up.

God gives us health so that we may serve the sick.