Standup comedy is fun. I mean other than having to experience the excruciating lonlieness and unacknowledged sadness that results in funny.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.

Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

There is something divine, mystical, magical and unexplainable in the universe that is listening and responding to each of us.

Or should I say that he is like the hand that is able to scratch your itchy parts with the perfect amount of strength!

The present was perfect and I wasgoing to stay in it for as long as possible.

I have friends from China - by the way I love China. I love Japan. I have people that buy my apartments, I have people that work for me from China.

No amount of source-level verification or scrutiny will protect you from using untrusted code.

And then his noise falls completely silent- And he stops struggling- And looking right into my eyes- He dies. My Todd dies.

Buttercup, miserable even with Prim’s constant attention, huddles in the cube and exhales cat breath in my face.

our real fears are the sounds of footsteps walking in the corridors of our minds, and the anxieties, the phantom floatings, they create.

You think it horrible that lust and rage Should dance attention upon my old age; They were not such a plague when I was young; What else have I to spur me into song?

Each close you use should be an educational process by which you are able to raise the value in the prospect's mind.