Start each day out the holy way..with Christ Chex, it's a miracle in a bowl. Just open the box and you hear AHHHHH....and then a lil' angel flies out and says 'good morning, life is beautiful!'.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

[O]ther thinkers have philosophised since the time of Plato, but that does not destroy the interest and beauty of his philosophy

It is not the beauty of nature, but it is our dream-filled actions that create our futures.

Never make permanent eternal decisions based on sense knowledge.

God may be in the details, but the goddess is in the questions. Once we begin to ask them, there's no turning back.

I don't sit down to write a funny story. Every single thing I sit down to write is meant to be sad.

... where there was hunger there would also be bread.

Why not be a top-notcher? A top-notcher is simply an individual who works for the institution of which he is a part, not against it.

Vice deceives us when dressed in the garb of virtue.

All change is in the screen.

Nothing awakens reminiscence like an aroma.