Steven Spielberg is going to release a biopic about Abraham Lincoln next year. Right, that's a good way to honor Lincoln – by sending people to the theater.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

CALVIN:Our hero regains consciousness at the feet of a sarcastic alien.

To leverage means to create a win-win situation.

If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system.

The symbol in the dream has more the value of a parable: it does not conceal, it teaches.

No leader, especially a religious leader, should have the right to question another man's religion or faith.

Not even death can wipe out our good deeds

How much power is there in a thousand noisy engines? I tell you, there is more power in a single blade of grass.

Education begins the gentleman, but reading, good company, and reflection must finish him.

When you cast away all your greed and fixation in adversity, you can find unexpected strength.

The first function of a book review should be, I believe, to give some idea of the contents and character of the book.