Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

It’s the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central and they’ve been good to me.

A work in which there are theories is like an object which still has its price-tag on.

Elfangor laughed in my mind. "You don't have to give up your principles to win. Isn't there always an alternative to sacrifice if you just keep your mind clear, and step back, and see it, and..."

To talk about liberty and freedom is nice, lovely, but the important thing is to allow people to act in liberty and freedom.

To love someone, why do you need society's approval and permission?

Write hard and clear about what hurts.

I have been governor every now and then, but I am a forester all the time.

We do stigmatise teens a lot and see them as scary and alien.

As far as what I'm afraid of, I hate spiders. I'm pretty good at being not afraid of almost anything, except for spiders.

Remember, that the logo is really the dot on top of the i.

When your legs get weaker time starts running faster.