Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to do with him.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.

Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

For your full deliverance from your yesterday and your past, God gave you a new field of activity —your calling, so that you can start working according to His plan

A man's interest in the world is only the overflow from his interest in himself.

I'm an ordinary guy with an extraordinary job.

I'm a really rotten liar. Generally, if I've tried to pull off a lie, it hasn't worked out to my advantage.

The specific story line that people have responded to the most has been the horror of bathing suit shopping.

My house, my house, though thou art small, Thou art to me the Escurial.

Courtesy is only a thin veneer on the general selfishness.

I think the Irish woman was freed from slavery by bingo. They can go out now, dressed up, with their handbags and have a drink and play bingo. And they deserve it.

A man who renounces something is also a man who believes in something.

Abraham Lincoln suggested never presume to know what God's will is, and I would never presume to know God's will or to speak God's words.