Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Pen-bereavement is a serious matter.

I think life's too complex to be an accident.

Try to be accurate about stuff.

Faith is not complacent; faith is action. You don’t have faith and wait. When you have faith, you move.

Our biggest mistakes, were things we didn't do, companies we didn't buy.

I don't know if I could rebuild an airplane engine, but I know a little bit about rotors and rivets.

How can we explain the perpetuity of envy--a vice which yields no return?

Do you think I want to be the one lone voice against the Hollywood liberal establishment? It's not going to do me any good.

Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane.

I was raised by muses. Women who had men in awe of them and who wrote them movies and wrote them music.