Success is.... happiness. Is that too Deepak Chopra?

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

The term compassion means shared suffering. You develop compassion by knowing what it is like to suffer.

You just stroke me, stroke me.

When you're sharing a mud hole with a wildebeest derriere in sub-Saharan Africa, that's a living hell.

The practice of meditation is emptying the mind. When the mind is empty, completely empty, it's perfect meditation. It's really that simple.

Remember wars are won by killing people. The more we kill, the quicker we'll get out of this war.

I am such a bossy producer and such a control freak that there's a part of me that really longs to be bossed around.

With prose you can incorporate more details, develop scenes, sustain the tension in a special way. Prose has its own speed.

Open to me, so that I may open. Provide me your inspiration So that I might see mine.

Science could not fill the hole in my soul.

My dad was a Communist Party member who fought for his country.