Success is like dealing with your kid or teaching your wife to drive. Sooner or later you'll end up in the police station.

Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.

A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

Cocktail party: A gathering held to enable forty people to talk about themselves at the same time. The man who remains after the liquor is gone is the host.

Television is a triumph of equipment over people, and the minds that control it are so small that you could put them in a gnat's navel with room left over for two caraway seeds and an agent's heart.

The nostalgia I have been cherishing all these years is a hypertrophied sense of lost childhood, not sorrow for lost banknotes.

That's like buying asparagus and then leaving it at the checkout. Why would you do that?

I look like a woman, but I think like a man.

I'm not the one-take wonder that a lot people think I am.

I believe it is a tradition in baseball that when a pitcher has a no-hitter going, no one reminds him of it.

Happy is it to place a daughter; yet it pains a father's heart when he delivers to another's house a child, the object of his tender care.

I watch a lot of TV, but I find that recently it's largely oddball stuff. Scripted stuff sometimes feels like homework, like I'm scoping out the competition or something.

The policy of seeking values from human beings by means of force, when practiced by an individual, is called crime. When practiced by a government, it is called statism.

Rest, with nothing else, results in rust. It corrodes the mechanisms of the brain. The rhubarb that no one picks goes to seed.

Lady, you are the cruel'st she alive If you will lead these graces to the grave And leave the world no copy.