Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit.'

I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.

The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm the Beatles.

Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?

The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.

If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.

False hope really makes you cynical.

To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity.

It's not getting any better for the American people. It seems to be getting worse. That's predictable; education is a cycle. Stupidity breeds more stupidity.

You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.

Here's the thing about Donald Trump: He never apologizes. He's never wrong, no matter what crazy thing he says. He's totally - he's the white Kanye.

Nature is a haunted house--but Art--is a house that tries to be haunted.

Lord Almighty your grace is all I need.

It's proper Netiquette to view in-App webpages in a mobile browser for better security. NetworkEtiquette.net

But you have to remember in life that there's a positive to every negative and a negative to every positive.

In art there are two principal schools between which each aspirant has to choose--one distinguished by its close adherence to nature, and the other by its strenuous efforts to get above it.

Plot is just a fancy way of saying 'and then.

People do what they are told not to do. It happens time and time again. Here on the frozen tundra, it is known as the Tongue on the Frozen Pump Handle principle.

One of the easiest things in the world to do is to tell other people how to raise their children. This is especially easy if you have no children of your own.

I was completely nuts for most of my life.

But with comedy it's a simple premise. If it's funny, people laugh. If it's not, they don't.