'Sympathy for the Devil' is just another way of saying 'Compassionate Conservative'.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

I hate horror movies, with a passion.

You can't find God before an altar if that is the only place you look for him.

I like to go out and see what a city's all about.

I know that even the meanest person has still at his disposition high-sounding words wherewith to mask his real character.

Avery, I haven’t messed around with Steph since I met you. I have messed around with anyone since I met you.

It is particularly incumbent on those who never change their opinion, to be secure of judging properly at first.

Relationships don't exist... Relating does.

sometimes our future is dictated by what we are, as opposed to what we want.

I think sometimes for me that sounds like almost being selfish. I am not about personal records.

No man has ever been a perfect ballplayer. Stan Musial, however, is the closest to being perfect in the game today.