TELEPHONE n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.

Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a state religion.

Admiral. That part of a warship which does the talking while the figurehead does the thinking.

Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.

NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of the party.

Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.

Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.

Fear in the absence of certainty can inspire men to do unimaginable things.

God will shout during your storms, whisper during your sunshine and sing during the rarest rainbows you will encounter.

Religion can't separate us, politics can't divide us, wealth can't classify us. We're all one! We're children of LOVE!

What some invent the rest enlarge.

Happiness is your own treasure because it lies within you.

To have what we want is riches but to be able to do without is power.

I am sorry to think that you do not get a man's most effective criticism until you provoke him. Severe truth is expressed with some bitterness.

Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese. Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

My heavens! I've been talking prose for the last forty years without knowing it.

Today they're making pictures that I wouldn't want Trigger to see.