Take my wife... Please!

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

If you want to understand yourself, Then do not examine yourself.Just love yourself more sincerely, More soulfullyAnd more self-givingly.

I was court-martialled in my absence, and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.

Desire and longing are the whips of God.

I don't want to be about the way I look - my body, my hair, my makeup, all those boring things.

I just think that I associated music with something that was healing and transformative as a kid.

In dire times you can lose joy, but you can't lose hope. Hope is your guide.

It’s difficult to create fashion, you can’t just learn it, you have to have fashion in your DNA.

Faith is not belief, it is the grasp on the Ultimate, an illumination.

Practical religion consists in doing good: and the only way of serving God is that of endeavoring to make His creation happy. All preaching that has not this for its object is nonsense and hypocrisy.

I wanna move on but my feelings too strong.