Take the platypus - that is not a finished product. It is clearly still in beta.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Start to use the Law of Attraction as it was originally intended all of those thousands of years ago today by just using simple, positive words in your NAPS without the woo-woo!

You are happy when you can enjoy the little things around you.

The Universe is a feast. Get back to the table.

It is not easy to escape mentally from a concrete situation, to refuse its ideology while continuing to live with its actual relationships.

I'm trying my best to sound like me rather than trying my best to write hits or praying to God that people respond. I've arrived in a very healthy place and it feels great!

In the real world, children love me.

The terrorists thought they would change my aims and stop my ambitions. But nothing changed in my life except this: weakness, fear and hopelessness died. Strength, power and courage was born.

I'm not a happy-ending person. I want to know what happens once Cinderella rides off with Prince Charming.

Public Broadcasting is a sandbox for the rich. The NEA and the HEH are simply enclaves of the left using your money to propagandize your children against your values.