Take the selfishness out of this world and there would be more happiness than we should know what to do with.

Laughter is the fireworks of the soul.

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.

Health is like money, we never have a true idea of its value until we lose it.

The miser and the glutton are two facetious buzzards: one hides his store, and the other stores his hide.

Never work before breakfast; if you have to work before breakfast, eat your breakfast first.

Be like a postage stamp. Stick to one thing until you get there.

Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there.

The wheel that squeaks the loudest is the one that gets the grease.

Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope.

The happiest time in any man's life is when he is in red-hot pursuit of a dollar with a reasonable prospect of overtaking it.

I believe that open-heart surgery is a mustfor all human beings

Atheists say that religion is like wearing shackles. Religion sets forth laws that govern how we act, and countries set forth laws that govern how we act. Yet only one is like wearing shackles.

As dye soaks fibres, drawn into them to change their colour forever, so does a memory, stinging or sweet, change the fibre of a man’s character.

I want to be famous everywhere.

Everybody here is so caught up in the game of life they don't see death. They don't see beyond their deaths. They are on the wheel of birth and death.

I live for now, not for what happens after I die.

For me writing has always felt like praying even when I wasn't writing prayers.

I don't think I'm great at acting. I think I'm great at directing.

I never dreamed I would receive the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor, mostly because my style is so typically Austrian.

If we want to be considered among the shows that are worth watching, it's got to be really good. Ultimately, that's all you can control.