Taking down the Christmas tree makes it feel official: time to get back to joyless and cynical.

The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.

Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?

The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds.

Iowa's the worst. Iowa's just nothing, just flat as far as you can see. It's the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.

Same thing every year, getting up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls and then you leave the house and things get bad.

If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.

Somebody stole my identity. Good luck using it without the medications.

I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.

They say men have a sexual thought every 20 seconds. The other 19 are shame.

Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.

It is easy to be wise after the event.

Some men are like swords, made for fighting. Hang them and they go to rust.

Nobody's perfect. We're all just one step up from the beasts and one step down from the angels.

Her mind was an hotel where facts came and went like transient lodgers, without leaving their address behind, and frequently without paying for their board.

In the New Testament our enemies are those who harbor hostility against us, not those against whom we cherish hostility, for Jesus refuses to reckon with such a possibility.

The aim of constitutional government is to preserve the Republic; that of revolutionary government is to lay its foundation.

Cherish each hour of this day for it can NEVER return.

Love is a sacred silence.

A company's employees are its greatest asset and your people are your product

I have a natural propensity to work on big piles of poop.