Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Your Life Is Happening Right Now: Don't let procrastination take over your life. Be brave and take risks. Your life is happening right now.

You can't speak Music with notes alone, but you can speak Music without notes at all!

Hunger justifies the middle classes.

The creation continues incessantly through the media of man. But man does not create... he discovers.

Old age is not a total misery. Experience helps.

Life is wonder, endless, ceaseless wonder. If your energy level is low, then everything is gray, two-dimensional, boring, frustrating, and unhappy.

Always I'm working on some of book. That's the way I make a living.

It seems that every time I stick my neck out, I get my foot into something else.

I can’t believe Sadie’s going to let me have the last word. Our experience together must’ve really taught her something. Ow, she just hit me. Never mind.

Ideally, people find mates with whom they can express both their masculine and feminine sides.