Technically, I've learned that having good legs and wind is good for being on stage. You have to be in shape and have endurance.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

The need for security often kills the quest for innovation.

The best way of avoiding mistakes is doing nothing

Night is the sleep of seven wax mothsDawn is the singing of five mermaidsNoon is the scratching of three field miceDusk is the shadow of a crow

Never believe anything you think about yourself as a writer when you're not writing.

Myths and legends die hard in America.

Silence is the Mother of Truth, for the silent man was ever to be trusted, while the man ever ready with speech was never taken seriously.

Fully stripped down, an onion is a pile of scattered layers; it has no center.

When I think about my relationship with America, I feel like a battered wife: Yeah, he knocks me around a lot, but boy, he sure can dance.

Philosophy begins when one learns to doubt -- particularly to doubt one's cherished beliefs, one's dogmas and one's axioms.

Don’t be afraid to be yourself and don’t let anybody tell you that that’s wrong. Because the best thing is you.