Ted Cruz raised over a million dollars after announcing that he's running for president. Which is why today RadioShack announced that it is also running for president.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

...and it is also possible, that Saadat Hasan dies, but Manto remains alive.

Fate rolls with laughter in the distance.

i can accept FAILURE, everyone falls at something.but what i can't accept is NOT TRYING.

I've written some poetry I don't understand myself.

An order to fire on people that do not fire on you is a completely illegal order.

I wish they weren't called the 'Bush tax cuts.' If they're called some other body's tax cuts, they're probably less likely to be raised.

People unconsciously know when you are not listening to them. Then they say 'No' to you.

Attitude is altitude.

The message of Easter is that God's new world has been unveiled in Jesus Christ and that you're now invited to belong to it.

There are, almost by definition, an unlimited number of Hells - potentially at least a personal one for every living sapient being.