Television has a real problem. They have no page two.

The best things in life aren't things.

People who live in glass houses have to wash their windows all the time.

There isn't a child who hasn't gone out into the brave new world who eventually doesn't return to the old homestead carrying a bundle of dirty clothes.

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got.

The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo.

You can't make up anything anymore. The world itself is a satire. All you're doing is recording it.

If you attack the establishment long enough and hard enough, they will make you a member of it.

The things that matter most are not things.

This is not an easy time for humorists because the government is far funnier than we are.

I worship the quicksand he [Richard Nixon] walks in.

Did you seriously just use the word 'loins'?

You should be cuddling with her. I can’t believe I just said that. Cuddling makes me want to vomit a little, but apparently women like it.

The boats came, and they were only taking a few people at a time, so what happened was they took a boat and said, 'We can have two more children', so the boys went.

The cold-audition process is not a science, so I ignore that.

Better to try all things and find all empty, than to try nothing and leave your life a blank.

Don't be concerned who is watching you. The triumphs and merits of others belong to them - as do yours to you. Make the most of what you've got.

I am discontented because I have not these things which God never yet promised me, and therefore I sin much against the Gospel, and against the grace of faith.

There is a vast difference between how things seem from the outside and how they feel on the inside.

... people notice differences and expect every difference in form to convey some difference in meaning.

The heavens are full of floating mysteries.