Television is like a great monster, eating your gags as fast as you say them.

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for eighteen months-I don't like to interrupt her.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother.

I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.

I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside.

My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson.'

Did you know that a laugh is something that comes out of a hole in your face? Anywhere else and you're in dead trouble!

Comedy should never be over-analysed. It's either funny or it isn't. There's a subtle difference between those who say funny things and those who say things funny.

Men's legs have a terribly lonely life - standing in the dark in your trousers all day.

My teeth are all my own. I've just finished paying for them.

If I get a hard audience they are not going to get away until they laugh. Those seven laughs a minute -- Ive got to have them.

Kindness carries no price tag neither does it require making a purchase. A random act of kindness can change someone's life...choose to be kind always.

Brightly burning passion is the releasing of your essence, your specialness and your gifts to the world.

The resurrection is our great hope.

It turns out, after a lot of exploration, that I'm not really a princess. A swell gal, sure, but not a princess.

I was writing an earnest novel about cruises in the Caribbean and I just started writing 'Bridget Jones' to get some money, to finance this earnest work, and then I chucked it out.

To me, it's like happiness is about happiness, but happiness is a fight.

Self-Development Quotes on: Courage, Honesty Any kind of lasting success is rooted in honesty.

Its so funny whenever things come full circle.

Science should be on tap, not on top.