Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.

MADDIE: Change is good. It’s not always easy, but it’s good. And it’s time I made a few changes.

Where is the best place to hide a penny? It is in a jar of pennies.

I kind of want to see Mara Crucio their asses.

Never forget me, because if I thought you would, I'd never leave.

The art of newspaper paragraphing is to stroke a platitude until it purrs like an epigram.

Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love.

I hate the idea of turning jazz into homework assignments. I would never have a quiz saying, "Who's the clarinetist on the Hot Five?" I don't care. If you like the clarinetist, you'll know who it is.

One piece of advice that I would give to any young athlete or performer is remember to thank your mom.

Donald Trump is a good businessman. He knows how to put the deal together. And I think he'd be a - he'll be a very constructive figure in the White House.

When a job is to be done there's no use putting it off.