Tell me that I misunderstood a joke, but don't tell me that my choice of cravat is wrong.

I have a face that is a cross between two pounds of halibut and an explosion in an old clothes closet.

Keep the circus going inside you, keep it going, don't take anything too seriously, it'll all work out in the end.

Watching too much TV can triple our hunger for more possessions, while reducing our personal contentment by about 5 percent for every hour a day we watch.

A philosopher once noted that people long for immortality but run out of things to do on a rainy afternoon.

Dreams don't have an expiration date.

Champagne offers a minimum of alcohol and a maximum of companionship.

Stardom is like making love in a hammock - a happy experience but one of uncertain duration.

Isn’t it fascinating to think that probably the only laugh that man will ever get in his life is by stripping off and showing his shortcomings?

I've taken up the Bible again, somewhat in the spirit of W.C. Fields - looking for loopholes.

I wonder why it is, that young men are always cautioned against bad girls. Anyone can handle a bad girl. It's the good girls men should be warned against.

This scripture is saying that you will always have bread and water on your table

Even if you are perfect the World isn't.

...if you've never been cussed out by a Siamese, you don't know what profanity is all about!

Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, 'Thank God, I'm still alive.' But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again.

I do my best to love everybody

One function of art is to de-kitschify kitsch.

Generally speaking, it's a very hard thing to wrap your head around that a drone operator in Nevada can be releasing munitions in the Middle East.

I believe it is our attitude that determines our altitude. It is our attitude that allows us to soar above those things that would otherwise overcome us.

It felt natural. That is what I remember most about becoming a father halfway through my 20s. As if Mother Nature was giving me the big thumbs up.