Telling me that I’m obsessed with talking about racism in America is like telling me I’m obsessed with swimming when I’m drowning.

I don't tie my shoes right. I tie them the way you would tie a gift, like a bow.

I am able to apply certain things to my craft that maybe other comedians don't, because I'm a devotee.

We've never had a female President in this country, which I find stunning

For years now, people have mentioned my mustache and get disappointed that when they see me live I don't have a mustache.

Another stupid thing I believed for a long time was that pizza was supposed to be said peed-za.

I don't look like a lot of fun. I just don't.

There are a lot of times where people think I'm in things that I'm not in, because they think I'm Kumail Nanjiani.

It's always fun when you see different comics at different weights or with different hair.

I wrote a lot of poetry in the last two years of high school, all about the same girl I was in love with. That was pretty awful. Did you know that in poetry, every line does not need to rhyme?

Horse is fine. I'll ride a horse.

The principal mark of genius is not perfection but originality, the opening of new frontiers.

Your relationship to yourself is and always will be directly reflected in all your relationships with others.

Let me ask you a question Alex. What do you think is the greatest evil on this plant today?" "Is that including, or not including you?

I put my phone on airplane mode and it didn't fly Worst. Transformer. Ever.

One is entitled to say without qualification that the correlation between prior judicial experience and fitness for the Supreme Court is zero.

I have a film called 'A Lonely Place For Dying,' which is the most watched film on the Internet, over 3 million hits, more than any of Hollywood's films.

One should always be in love.

Philosophical thinking that doesn't do violence to one's settled mind is no philosophical thinking at all.

In my belief, there's one spirit. I prefer to call it the Holy Spirit. I don't think it matters if you call it God or Allah or Jesus or Fred or David or too early in the morning or whatever.

They can tak' oour lives but they canna tak' oour troousers!