Texas governor Rick Perry has been in the race only three days, and he's already blowing away the competition like it is a trespassing coyote.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

He was the average mortal. It troubled him to get used to the world one way and then suddenly have it turn different.

Our homes travel with us. They are wherever we feel loved and accepted.

To be adult is to be alone (etre adulte c'est etre seul).

Many of our prayers were not answered, and for this we are now grateful.

No one can get an education, for of necessity education is a continuing process.

You can't do anything about them.

I have two iPhones, one for day and one for the night.

If you don't enter the kingdom of heaven by God's way, you cannot enter at all.

True sympathy is beyond what can be seen and touched and reasoned upon.

No days off. I'm a workaholic.