Texas senator and tea party favorite Ted Cruz announced he's running for president. He pledged to lead America boldly forward into the 1950s.

Work hard, be kind, and amazing things will happen.

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, 'Jesus! This cup is expensive!'

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: 'Duh.'

If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.

A new report says that dogs can sniff out prostate cancer with almost 98 percent accuracy. The report also finds that cats can sniff it out with 100 percent accuracy but they prefer to watch you die.

I have an abacus at home.

A new presidential poll reveals that Democrats have the edge among voters under 30. The good news for Republicans is that there's only six people under 30 who actually vote.

Ukraine announced plans to open Chernobyl, their nuclear disaster site, to tourists. They say it's just like Disneyland, except the 6-foot mouse is real.

Santa will be showing up with Rudolph the Red-Eyed Reindeer.

After making insulting remarks about Mexicans, Donald Trump has been kicked off of NBC and Univision. On the bright side, Trump's hair has a new show on Animal Planet.

I’ll be like Esther. Your daughter.”“You ain’t that strong.

There are some mosques with facilities for women; it's usually a back room with a back-door entrance.

Orange is the happiest color.

I sing the progress of a deathless soul.

North Carolina is an amazing place. It has the best food, and also has folks fighting really hard for what's right.

I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.

With each passing year, because of advances in computer technology, there are more things, each more sophisticated, that we aren't allowed to do any more.

I'm a perfectionist I guess. Everyone has to love me.

The height of your success is determined by the depth of your belief.