Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit the stores are open late and thanks to television you can shop in bed.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

The quality of knowledge youbring into the relationshipdetermines the quality of therelationship.

I had a dream about you. You were wearing Sylvester Stallone's sneer as pants, but his lips were saggy on your legs, so you had to wear a mustache as a belt.

Many years ago, plunging was discovered when the moon was in two halves- it's all about dreams, you see

Raw, gentle, and easy, it mizzled out of the high air, a special elixir, tasting of spells and stars and air, carrying a peppery dust in it, and moving like a rare light sherry on his tongue. Rain.

there's no harm in hoping for the best as long as you're prepared for the worst.

I'm looking to be the next comedy mogul.

For me, Duke was personal. I hated Duke and I hated everything I felt Duke stood for. Schools like Duke didn’t recruit players like me. I felt like they only recruited players who were Uncle Toms.

Any growth requires a temporary loss of security.

I have often wondered whether a person is justified in neglecting his own family to fight for opportunities for others.

I am a sore loser. I've always been like that ever s'nce I started playin' sports and just life in general. I hate to lose and I play to win.