Thank you... 'Real Housewives of Atlanta,' for demonstrating a universal truth: Idiots like me will always watch idiots like you fight on TV. You will forever be in my TiVo.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Life is like a little book written With a whole lot of surprise.Spell a word that doesn´t fit inAnd that´s a spell in desguise.

God's promises are to be our pleas in prayer.

If you don't believe in a line, then you come off as the loser.

The proof of gold is fire.

There are so many disagreements in the world, but I like the idea of people agreeing on something like art.

I have horrible acting ability. I can only be one thing and that's it. So for better, for worse, that's all I've got to offer is me. I've got nothing else.

You gotta win. That's all it takes.

Two times two is twenty-two, four times four is forty-four. When numbers get serious, they leave a mark on your door.

The more time you have, the more mistakes you will make.